


you can wash with soap as much as you like but you can't erase what you’ve done

by scorpiusismypatronus



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: I only write fic that caters to my oddly specific tastes, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, SO, Snapchat, Trans Evan, Trans Jared, and their friendship is ok bc fcuk u thats why, bath bombs, bc i want sure, but theyre 17, i put chose not to use watnings, it’s just a joke, jared licks a bath bomb in here, no one actually has a daddy kink, not gonna say 'underage' cause there s no actual sex but he is 17 so, ook this is in their senior year and ik everyone’s like let’s pretend they're 18, self hatred, tHIS WASNT SUPPOSDD TO BE FLUFfY—, the title? a big kin, they're jewish, this is canon i was there, this is set in end of may/early june, what up i'm nik i'm 15 and I cope w memes and sarcasm and fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 08:31:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14184993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiusismypatronus/pseuds/scorpiusismypatronus
Summary: “But I should tell you that I think of you each night…”What if Jared wasn’t lying — what if he was admitting how he felt to Evan under the guise of jokes?





	you can wash with soap as much as you like but you can't erase what you’ve done

Jared huffed and cursed his teenage sex drive. This was, honestly, pathetic. Evan Hansen? Thought of. Heart rate? Increased. Metaphorical dick? Metaphorically out.

It. Was. Pathetic.

The other boy had Snapchatted him that day, just a simple selfie of him at the park down the road, and yet, here he was. At one in the morning. Staring at the photo. Knowing this wasn’t a good idea, but, hey. Maybe what he needed was to jerk off his feelings?

Yeah. This was all coming from his overly enthusiastic teenage sex drive.

Jared Kleinman was gay. He knew this, and he’d accepted it a long time ago. But he wasn’t gay for Evan. That wasn’t an option, he reminded himself.

And yet. _And yet and yet and yet._

Jared slipped one hand down the front of his shorts and stared down at the photo, knowing what a horrible idea this was.

His mind conjured up the idea of Evan hovering over him, teasing him, resting a hand against his thigh, and he was so fucking gone. 

Evan was probably such a tease. And he definitely topped. How could he not? With strong arms and muscular thighs and a voice that, when he wasn't stuttering anxiously, made you need to do whatever he said? There was no way that man bottomed.

Jared sighed, brushing away the bit of guilt coming from the last logical bit of his mind, and began fingering himself, biting his lip and thinking of Evan.

Even the very concept of Evan wanting to fuck him was unbearable. If he could only tell the other boy — Evan would probably make him beg, wouldn’t he? He seemed like he would. He’d ask what Jared wanted and force him to make eye contact and say it out loud, no matter how fucking embarrassing it was. The danger Jared imagined in his eyes — God, Evan was far too attractive for his own good. Or Jared’s, for that matter. Mostly Jared’s.

He thought of Evan — of his stupid beautiful eyes and his stupidly soft red lips and he was gone. He came, spilling into his hand and feeling the regret sink in just a moment later.

He was a horrible friend. And a horrible person in general, but the point remained.

He draped a towel around his shoulders and tiptoed out to the bathroom. It was one in the morning and he didn’t want to wake anyone up, but God he needed to wash off what he felt.

He turned the water on and tugged his shirt over his head, debating just bathing in his binder but ultimately not wanting to get it wet. He stripped the rest of his clothes and stepped into the bathtub before stepping back out and grabbing a bath bomb.

_Eat it_ , said an annoying voice in the back of his mind.

_I'm not gonna eat the bath bomb_ , he told it. _That shit’s dangerous_.

_Just try it_!

He curled up on the floor of the tub and stared at the bomb for a moment before hesitantly licking it. It was salty and gross, like he’d just downed an entire salt shaker and topped it off with some stale chocolate sauce. Not to mention it fizzed on his tongue. Yeah, he wasn’t doing that again.

He dropped the bath bomb in the tub and it did its weird fizzy thing, turning the water green and making the room smell slightly like pine. He totally hadn’t bought it to impress Evan, which was definitely why he Snapchatted the other boy a picture of the corner of the tub. “ _bruh I got a new bath bomb and I love???it’s pine_ ” He captioned it, hitting send before he could debate the implications of sending your crush a Snapchat at one in the morning that implies heavily that you’re taking a bath.

He rested his head against the wall of the tub and tried to be less aware of his body. For him, his dysphoria was usually quieter at night. Not for any particular reason other than the fact that _he was fucking sleeping_.

Jared grabbed the soap and a washcloth and scrubbed at his skin, trying to clean off what he’d done. It wasn’t even like he’d never done this before. But he still felt guilty every time he thought of Evan as anything other than a friend. It was so hard to go back to school after you’ve been jerking off to the thought of someone and see them in the halls and pretend your friendship isn't as complicated as it really is.

Methodically, he washed one arm and then the other, then his neck and back and shoulders. Once he’d finished scrubbing at his skin he shampooed his hair and started the ritual all over again, left arm right arm neck left shoulder right shoulder back sides chest stomach hips thighs knees shins ankles feet. He rubbed conditioner in his hair and scrubbed again, doing the whole process backwards in case it helped him if he’d missed a spot, and then twice more.

His phone lit up and he leaned over the bathtub. _Snapchat_ : _One message from ev.han_.

He dried one hand on the towel on the floor and grabbed his phone.

 

_Ev.han: Why are u even awake rn ???_

_10000fireflies: because I live in a state of constant self hatred_

_10000fireflies: you're awake too_

 

Jared finished his ritual and washed the conditioner out of his hair, trying not to think about his body, trying not to remember that he, y’know, occupied a physical form and was expected to act and present a certain way because of it.

 

_Ev.han: Touché_

_Ev.han: u alright tho?_

 

Jared debated his answer before typing, 

_10000fireflies: evan I am constantly in emotional anguish due to my flesh suit and it’s 2am and I licked a bath bomb do i sound okay_

 

Carefully, he stepped out of the bathtub and wrapped himself in the towel, shivering.

 

_Ev.han: Uh no not really_

_Ev.han: Are u sober_

_10000fireflies: unfortunately_

_Ev.han: Just making sure_

_Ev.han: U tend to overshare when ur drunk_

_Ev.han: Also_

_Ev.han: Flesh suit_

_Ev.han: wtf Jared_

_10000fireflies: it’s accurate_

_Ev.han: Anyway why are u awake still ??_

_10000fireflies: self hatred hbu_

_10000fireflies: i wouldn't be able to sleep unless I did it 5 times anyway_

_10000fireflies: gna be one of Those Nights_

_Ev.han: Do what 5 times ??_

_10000fireflies: wait have I not explained the shower thing_

_10000fireflies: ok so generally my Weird Shower Ritual Thing is I have to wash 3 times in the exact same order but depending on my mood it can be more and today it’s a five I gotta do it 5 times_

_Ev.han: Shit man_

_Ev.han: Is that like,, an ocd thing ?_

_Ev.han: Shit sorry that was rude I'm sorry_

_10000fireflies: nah man ur good and yea probably_

_10000fireflies: shit sucks ass_

_Ev.han: See one of the things I admire about you is how you use text and social media to communicate clearly and efficiently_

_10000fireflies: fair_

_10000fireflies: no but rly why are u awake so late_

_Ev.han: My mom told me to shoot myself in the leg_

_Ev.han: im not taking a shot if she’s not here_

_Ev.han: but every time I try to sleep_

_Ev.han: I GET STRESSED ABOUT IT!!_

_Ev.han: AND IT’S SO STUPID_

_Ev.han: aaaaand now I feel bad bc you're not on t_

_10000fireflies: it's ok u can vent whenever u need me_

_10000fireflies: that fuck sucks shit ass_

_Ev.han: fkdjhgjdfhxjgvhdf_

_10000fireflies: but rly lemme see if I can help_

_10000fireflies: like_

_10000fireflies: what part of it is? hard for u?_

_10000fireflies: that sounds sarcastic but it’s not_

 

Jared stood up and dried himself off as quickly as possible, toweling his hair dry and pulling on his binder and boxers.

 

_Ev.han: Jared im stabbing medicine into my leg_

_Ev.han: Like what if i fuck up and die of an overdose_

_Ev.han: Or get the needle stuck in my body_

_Ev.han: Or it starts bleeding and doesn’t stop and I die alone of blood loss_

_Ev.han: What if it fucks with my body chemistry and I go into a deep depression and can't bring myself to leave my room and then I miss school and lose credit and fail tests and have to do my senior year over again_

_10000fireflies: evan thats not going to happen_

_10000fireflies: is there. anything I can do_

_Ev.han: Uh send the nearest hitman here asap_

_10000fireflies: turns out i'm the nearest hitman imma kill u w kindness_

_Ev.han: Aww_

_Ev.han: No but really give me death or give me death_

_10000fireflies: ok think of it this way_

_10000fireflies: u mentioned dying of a testosterone overdose_

_10000fireflies: would u rather die dysphoric and sad or slightly terrified but not as dysphoric_

_Ev.han: I dnt know how to feel about that_

_Ev.han: Youre getting too philosophical all I asked for was a quick and painfree death_

_10000fireflies: mood_

_10000fireflies: no but really_

_10000fireflies: I believe in u_

_10000fireflies: ev we’ve got 3 days until school is done. like forever. do u wanna spend these last three days scared to do what you have to or doing what will make u happiest?_

_Ev.han: Jared, no offense, but_

_Ev.han: U do realizse how fucking hypocritical that is_

_10000fireflies: hypocrisy? C’est la soupe de jour_

_Ev.han: …Okay me_

_10000fireflies: no but really evan it’s your choice but I HIGHLY recommend taking ur meds_

_Ev.han: Ur not my dad_

_Ev.han: He left when I was 7_

_10000fireflies: im not ur dad_

_10000fireflies: but ur my daddy_

_Ev.han: SHUT UP_

_Ev.han: I WILL STAB U WITH THIS NEEDLE_

_10000fireflies: please do_

_10000fireflies: do I want t, to die, or simply have a needle kink. the world will never know_

_Ev.han: knowing u probably all 3_

_10000fireflies: ACYUALLY just the first 2 and also fuck u_

 

Jared pulled on his pajamas again and crept up the stairs to his room, one eye on his phone in case it — _there it is_ , he thought, hurrying into his room and burrowing under the blankets.

 

_Ev.han: It's okay to admit to ur weird needle kink, jared, i won't judge_

_10000fireflies: its ok 2 admit u fuck trees evan I won't judge_

_Ev.han: Shutttt upppppp_

_10000fireflies: never_

_Ev.han: Thats fair_

 

Jared rubbed sleep out of his eyes, feeling his exhaustion set in but not wanting to go to sleep just yet.

 

_10000fireflies: seriously though_

_10000fireflies: u need to take the stabby man fluid_

_Ev.han: Dont fucking say that_

_10000fireflies: sdjhffh_

_Ev.han: If u promise to nEVER SAY THAT AGAIN_

_Ev.han: I'll try_

_10000fireflies: i’ll stay silent about the stabby man fluid if u take it_

_Ev.han: Ur mean_

_10000fireflies: …is it worth it to respond with “sorry daddy”_

_Ev.han: Dont u fucking dare_

_10000fireflies: go take ur stabby boy_

 

Jared hoped the lack of a response was good and switched tabs, finding the mannequin video of Kero Kero Bonito’s _Flamingo_ and hitting play. It was one of his favourite videos in the world.

Ten minutes later, in the middle of a Thomas Sanders vine compilation, he received a text from Evan.

 

_Ev.han: I hate u for making me do this_

_10000fireflies: my guy it makes u happy_

_Ev.han: Yeah well_

_10000fireflies: get some sleep_

_Ev.han: Thats a good idea_

_Ev.han: You too_

_10000fireflies: gnight_

_Ev.han: Gdnight_

**Author's Note:**

> the pages document i wrote this in is titled “but I should tell u that I think of lemons at nighttime” and I think thats beautiful  
> find me on tumblr im @dont-the-tears-just-pour


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